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NIGHTBREED Director’s Cut, SQUIRM, and DOLLS!

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Holy cats creeps, I can’t believe ol’ XIII is havin’ such a streak of good luck! The restless spirits of this recent Samhain must have taken pity upon yours cruelly, ‘cuz this week’s reviews are a horror hat-trick of pure fright flick gold! Don’t believe me? Just keep readin’ and see if ya don’t agree (oh, and you will agree… you… will… agree)!

 

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NIGHTBREED THE DIRECTOR’S CUT

Man o’ man, ghouls, NIGHTBREED has always been a bit like an all you can eat buffet, but instead of chicken wings and mac n’ cheese you get a bounty o’ beasts and craploads o’ creatures, which is good because you are not hungry, you are a monster maniac. And where the hell was I going with this analogy? Oh, yeah… NIGHTBREED has always had a veritable sh—ton of monsters in it, but with this latest release from our smart n’ sexy pals at Scream Factory, you’ll be able to feast yer petulant peepers on even more!

Before I get in to the thick o’ things with this bad ass, I suppose I should give ya quick synopsis of the film’s plot… for the one of you reading this that hasn’t seen this landmark classic, the basics are as follows: young rebel Boone is manipulated into thinkin’ he’s a murder machine, so he heads up to an ancient cemetery in the Canadian wilderness (that has been plaguin’ his dreams)  that is rumored to be a city of monsters where all sins can be forgiven. Of course the place is lousy with monsters, and they immediately inform ol’ Booney that he has been lied to… then they bite him. What follows is a strange combination of juvenile delinquent film tropes, sociocultural allegories, and moon-headed thugs and porcupine women. There’s also a gun-totin’ redneck hate group, a masked serial killer, and a pug dog.

As you can imagine, it takes a deft hand to weave all of the above nonsensery into an engagin’ tale for the ages; and while Clive Barker is hands down the dude for that job, the original release of Nightbreed was hampered by that most dreaded of diabolical diseases—Studio Interference! —resulting in a feature that was a bit like trying to assemble a jigsaw puzzle in a hurricane while a chimp slaps yer face with a meatloaf TV dinner (though I and nearly every horror hound I know still loved the hell out of the flick)! Well, all of this brings us to… now (look, it’s late; I’m doin’ the best I can).

Simply put, ol’ Scream Factory (Big Sexy to their fans) has released the equivalent of the Holy Grail for guys n’ ghouls like us! Ya know how when you buy those extra “special” uncut versions of things and you get footage that lasts about one millifart (trust me, it’s a real unit of measurement, and it’s preposterously short)? Well, that is not the case here! This “F”er runs 20 minutes longer than its theatrical counterpart, but through some sort of arcane rites and rituals, the film contains 40 minutes of new footage (OK, they used alternate takes… are you happy now that you’ve taken all of the magic out of the world?). And what footage it is! Characters’ fates are drastically changed, inter-personal relationships are fleshed out, new monsters are revealed and paraded around… pure 100% Grade-A awesome! Hell, there’s even a musical number for an extra shot of Vitamin Why The “F” Not!

Just stop readin’ this and buy it right now (but then come back and read some more, and tell everyone about my column and the management here what a great and cool dude you think I am… wait, why are you closing this page… come baaaaccckk!!!).

NIGHTBREED THE DIRECTOR’S CUT gets 4,546,789 locks of Anne Bobby’s voluminous mountain o’ hair out of 5!

Oh, and if this doesn’t satisfy yer Clive cravings, ol Scream Factory also has LORD OF ILLUSIONS comin’ yer way December 16th!

 

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SQUIRM

  • RELEASE DATE: Now Available on Blu-ray
  • WRITTEN BY: Jeff Lieberman
  • DIRECTED BY: Jeff Lieberman
  • STARRING: Don Scardino, Patricia Pearcy, R.A. Dow

Well creeps, me and ol’ squirmy here have a bit o’ haunted history between us. Ya see, when I was just a lil’ fiend, my dear ol’ devil of a Dad was charged with providin’ the entertainment for one of my birthday bashes. Logically, the feature he chose to grace our young eyes with was none other than this here killer worm picture SQUIRM. Now, while I was already a soldier in the horror trenches, my bosom companions were neophytes of the highest order. Long story short, they left early, some ne’er spoke to me again, and all were left wondering why that dude in the film was so obsessed with f’n egg creams. Whatever, I’m a solitary creature anyway (and there was more pizza and cake for me to shove down my festerin’ pie-hole). But I digress…

Well, surely to honor my birthday (which just passed… but I’m still accepting lavish gifts and monetary donations, so act fast!), those tried and true pals o’ mine at Scream Factory have saw fit to release a Blu-ray of SQUIRM!

Now if you aren’t familiar with the wrigglin’, writhin’ , wicked woims of SQUIRM, let me fill yer ass in! SQUIRM concerns the adventures of New Yorker Mick who travels down south (innuendo!) to visit his comely country-fried girlfriend Geri. Of course, downed power lines have caused the local worms to go blood simple, and they are now eating everyone in sight (and in one bizarre yet awesome case, creating some sort of worm-infested zombie bo-hunk), which can put a bit of a strain on “vacation fun”. What comes next is a really damn impressive array of waves of worms (which scream in close-ups, yet no one seems to notice, so all I can figure is that their tiny worm voices are to miniscule for our heroes to hear) comin’ from every which way but loose! If you’ve ever wondered what an entire house would look like filled from head to a-hole with worms, this is the picture for you, friend-o!

Ol’ SF have really outdone themselves here. The flick is given the royal treatment with a beautiful transfer, which after having only seen this on beat-ass ol’ videotapes (Google them kiddies) is really kinda breathtaking, and it’s great to hear the film makers discuss this revoltin’ relic on the ol’ commentary track.

So, I’m givin’ this release of SQUIRM 5 fleeing party guests resulting in a pizza bloated, cake coma sufferin’, yet surprisingly Beetus free, Danny XIIIs out of 5!

 

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DOLLS

How about one more clas-sick fer the road, ghouls? Once again it’s Scream Factory deliverin’ the gruesome goods (seriously, I want to have that company’s baby, and I’m a man! A MAN I say!!) with their Blu-ray release of Stuart Gordon’s terror toy treasure DOLLS!

As most fiends that loved horror and lived through that majik phantasy land known as “the 80s” can attest to, the name Empire Pictures was to be found on roughly 98.9% of any given video rental shelves in the mid 80s (including ultra-obscure, bet you ne’er heard of them titles like RE-ANIMATOR and FROM BEYOND… and because this is written and you can’t see my sass-ass expression and snark drippin’ tone, I assure you that was indeed sarcasm). And ‘lo and behold, who was responsible for the above mentioned sparklin’ gems? Why, none other than ol’ Stuart Gordon! And while RA and FB (yup, too lazy to even copy and paste), are true crown jewels in the creep crown, today’s feature DOLLS might not be as well known by most (although I managed to rent it about 4,568 times in 1988 alone).

DOLLS presents the tale of a young girl and her parents—not quite Cruella Deville and her husband John Ritter mixed with William Katt—who wind up taking shelter from a seemingly never ending thunderstorm in the Gothic  abode of  two toy makers. Before you know it, they are joined by two saucy punk rock dudettes (and their ride), and they are soon harassed out the yin-yang by a group of sadistic toys (and yes, Empire Pictures soon became Full Moon and based their entire fortune off of this very premise).

Over the course of an hour and change, DOLLS provides us with a ton of ol’ school gothic atmosphere, characters heavy on the scene chewery (yet all are great in their roles), killer teddy bears, a lil’ stop-motion (always welcome), a BoyToy belt that deals some serious ass-whippery, and possibly a (visible puppeteer, shhh), all wrapped up in a dark fairy tale bow. In other words, it’s a ton o’ fright fun!

As you can surmise, this here flick gets 5 Toulon ain’t got s— on the Hartwickes out of 5!

Before I crawl back in to my crypt, I thought I’d mention that a lil’ film I reviewed here a few months ago, BENEATH, is now available on Netflix so you can watch it and decide for yerself that the menace of the film is ghosts.

Stay Spooky my fiends!


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